This week we have been studying the different types of sentences to avoid in our writing. Today, we are going to go back over our previous blog entries and edit them. This should help you understand your own difficulties in writing, as well as give you the opportunity to work with your peers.
The 3 Types of Sentences we have been learning to avoid are:
Empty Sentences - Repeat thoughts, no opinions
Example: “I had a great meal for lunch and it was really delicious.”
Padded Sentences- Use too many words to say 1 thing
Example" “I believe that this story represents life because it is cool.”
Overloaded Sentences - Run-Ons
Example: “The boy went to store to buy some Doritos but the manager told him they were out of Doritos because a truck was robbed by the Doritos bandit, and he said that the FBI was now looking for the man or woman but there was no sign he would be stopped anytime soon, and the boy was sad because he really wanted some Doritos.”
Your Task Today (and Possibly tomorrow!):
- Read your own and the blog entries of your peers posted on previous weeks and look for these three types of sentences to avoid.
- When you have found examples of these sentences, copy them into a word document, and re-construct the sentences to be more effective.
- When you have identified and reconstruct 5 sentences, copy and paste the word document as a comment for this entry.
14 comments:
What Found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“i believe dat she lied to them when in fact she didnt.”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effection:
“I believe that she lied to them.”
What Found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“the reason all the kids put her in the closet is because when you are mad or sad you tend not to think and do the first thing you are told to do”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effection:
“All the kids put her in the closet.When you are mad or sad you tend not to think and do the thing you are told to do”
What Found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“when william told them to push her in the closet they followed him because they thought that would help the problem,they were wrong.”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effection:
“William told them to her in the closet”
What Found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“One reason is that at one point in the story he had intoxicated himself, then switched up and modified his story”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effection:
“He intoxicated himself.”
What Found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“I believe in that certain environment the human integrated would believe gossip is a way to conquer boredom”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effection:
“that certain environment the human integrated would believe gossip is a way to conquer boredom”
Before:
Isaiah E. Johnson said...
1.I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
2.Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
3. I think the quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobodys is perfect on this earth. Everbody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
After:
Isaiah E. Johnson said...
1. The people at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story Sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
2. People prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because it’s big news to them.
3. The quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobody’s is perfect on this earth. Everybody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
Before:
Isaiah E. Johnson said...
1.I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
2.Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
3. I think the quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobodys is perfect on this earth. Everbody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
After:
Isaiah E. Johnson said...
1. The people at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story Sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
2. People prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because it’s big news to them.
3. The quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobody’s is perfect on this earth. Everybody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
Wrong: Bestfriend are like you everything but than u get hurt or back stabb.
Right: Best friends are like your everything but then you get hurt or back stabbed.
Wrong: (Astanished) meaning like i think is like a bad thing or something bad.) meaning like i think is like a bad thing or something bad.
Right: Astonished meaning it is a bad thing or something bad.
Wrong : i think the quote means that when you kbnow a new word and yoyu know what it means you well be able to own it and used when ever you want.
Right: The quote means that when you know a new word and you know what it means you will be able to own it and use whenever you want.
Wrong: My bestfriend hurt me because she used to talk about me and it hurt my feelings and that change me because it hurts me that my bestfriend talk about me behind my back and calling me names and i got tired of it.
Right: My best friend hurt me because she used to talk about me and it hurt my feelings. That changed me because it hurt me that my best friend talked about me behind my back and called me names, i got tired of it.
Wrong: My parents made me who i am righ now because they show me to respect others, because i well get respect back.
Right: My parents made me who I am right now because they show me to respect others, so I will get respect back.
Ineffective
i think that THE REASON WHY it is important to i dentify and understand words you dont know is?
Fixed
it is important to identify and understand words you dont know is?
Ineffective
think that learning words does give us a better understanding of the world around us because it give's us a better perspective of life bye learning more and knowing more......etc
fixed
Learning words does give us a better understanding of the world around us. It gives us a better perspective of life by learning more and knowing more…..ect.
Ineffective
Like if you think about it increasing your vocabulary is great it helps you with alot of things especially in school.
Fixed
your vocabulary is great it helps you with alot of things especially in school.
Ineffective
. Just think about stumbling across a word that you didnt know but when you go to identify the meaning you wont stumble across it again.
Fixed
stumbling across a word that you didnt know but when you go to identify the meaning you wont stumble across it again.
Ineffective
Having a big vocabuary is important like say Im reading a book and come across a word in the sentence and not understandoing what the sentence is saying because of certain words.
Fixed
Having a big vocabuary is important. Like say Im reading a book and come across a word in the sentence and not understandoing what it is saying because of certain words.
BEFORE AND AFTER
What I found: I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.---(run on sentence)
--(SUPPOSE TO BE)I think the wedding guest didn’t believe Sergie about the kiss. Maybe because they probably thought of you didn’t do it, then there was no point to explain yourself.
What I found: I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player---(run on sentence)
--(Suppose to be)I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man. Plus, to hear that he was kissing another woman, just made them think that he was some type of player.
What I found: The wedding guest probably doesn’t believe Ahinyenev's story about the kiss because of how good the day was it going to be for the wedding bride and groom---(run on sentence)
--(Suppose to be)The wedding guests probably doesn’t believe Ahinyenve’s story about the kiss. Maybe because of how good the day was going to be for the wedding, for the bride and groom.
What I found:i personally think that if there wasnt a main bad person in the story that not everyone woould be so against her because this show that most people in the world are follwers because to be honest if there wasnt a main person many people wouldnt do what they do know and a perfect example for that would be gang members if there wasnt a leader there wouldnt be followers.---(run on sentence)
--(Suppose to be)I peronaly think that if there wasn’t a main bad person in the story that not everyone would be so again her. Maybe because this show that most people in the world are followers. They follow because if there wasn’t a main person, many people wouldn’t do what they do know. Also, a perfect example for that would be gang members because if there wasn’t a leader, then there wouldn’t be followers.
What I found:Also identify and understanding words makes you more advanced and ahead of some people and just having a big vocabulary is good for you because you are going to do less looking up for words.(Run on sentence)
--(Suppose to be)Identify and understanding words makes you more advanced. Plus, ahead of some people and just having a big vocabulary is good for because you are going to do less looking up for words and more talking, teaching about it. Also, more understanding in those words.
Madison Del Rossi 2-18-11
What I found wrong:
“They treated margot like very mean!”
How I fixed it:
“They treated Margot very mean!”
What I found wrong:
“i think the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating, because margot waz just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasnt like the rest of the group.
How I fixed it:
“The group feeling in this plot is very discriminating. Margot was just being herself and they basically "shunned" her because she wasn’t like the rest of the group.”
What I found wrong:
“My bestfriend hurt me because she used to talk about me and it hurt my feelings and that change me because it hurts me that my bestfriend talk about me behind my back and calling me names and i got tired of it.”
How I fixed it:
“My best friend hurt me because she used to talk about me.”
What I found wrong:
“I had so many mistakes and i learn from them and it can help me not to do it again.”
How I fixed it:
“I had made so many mistakes and I learn from them.
What I found wrong:
“i think tat in some areas around the world there forms of segregation, wheather racial or sexual, ethnical, or financial.. i think its just up tp us to treat everyone like an equal and we will getthe same in return.”
How I fixed it:
“In some areas around the world there forms of segregation. Whether racial, sexual, ethnical, or financial it’s just up to us to treat everyone like an equal and we will get the same in return.”
Incorrect- No I don't think they would have treated her like that because it would be more of a different opinion and other people would be able to back it up everyone felt the same way except for one person so they over ruled her by alot.
Correct- I don’t think they would have treated her like that because there would be more opinions, with people backing her up. However, everyone felt one way and Margot felt another so she was over ruled.
Incorrect- Margot the little girl didn't see the sun and if she was she'd have to wait the next seven years.
Correct- Margot didn’t see the sun and she had to wait another 7 years.
Incorrect- If others see it happening the will do i too or find it funny and laugh about it.
Correct- If others see it happening they will do it too or find it funny.
Incorrect- Another is that he seemed so caught up in sort of trance of guilt almost that he told everybody a version of the story till at one point he began telling a lie, what he was trying to prevent in the first place.
Correct- Another is that he was so caught up in guilt that he ended up telling a lie. That is what he was trying to prevent in the first place.
Incorrect- I think tht the quickness to human trait iz a human trait becuase everybody likes to talk bout anything that happens or about something they here about a person.
Correct- I think that quickness of profiling someone is a human trait. That is because everyone likes to talk about someing that happened to anything or someone.
1.Well i dont think that they believe his story about the kiss because he went around and said that nuffin really happined.
Corrections: They believe his story about the kiss. He went around saying nothing happned that what made them believe the story.
2.I think that they really didnt want all that scandel at the wedding because itz a wedding nobody wants there wedding too be a scandel people always want it
Corrections:They didn’t want any he said she said at the wedding.
3. I think tht the quickness to human trait iz a human trait becuase everybody likes to talk bout anything that happens or about something they here about a person
Corrections: I think that it is a common human triat because people like to talk about others. No matter who it is or what they did.
4. believe dat she lied to them when in fact she didnt. the reason all the kids put her in the closet is because when you are mad or sad you tend not to think and do the first thing you are told to do. when william told them to push her in the closet they followed him because they thought that would help the problem,they were wrong. its like monkey see monkey do.
Corrections:I really believe that she lied when she didn’t have a reason to. She put all the kids in the closlet because of her anger issue.They believe by pushing the girl in the closet it will help.They were wrong it didn’t help .Monkey seee Monkey do
5.-Anything can happen but if I followed a group it would probaly be dangerous because some people don't know or understand what to do when lost or confused.
Corrections:Stuff happnes everyday.If I ever followed a group .It wouldn’t be good at all.
What I found!
i think the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating, because margot waz just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasnt like the rest of the group.
The feelings in the story are jealousy, because Margot saw the sun because she was alive to see the sun, and everyone was jealous that margot saw it. They treated margot like very mean! They locked her in a closet. I think if they had all seen the sun things would have been way different meaning they would have all been nice to eachother and would not have locked margot in the closet they prob would have all got along! This showed me people can be very ignorant exspecially if they have someone to back them up because it makes you feel like your the outkast when your realy not! People get jealous so they feel as though they need to treat people very poorly when they shouldnt. Peple can be so mean they can make people really depressed and thats not right and if a group does it they feel like they are not welcomned and no one should ever feel like that.
I think the group feeling is the most important in the story because, i dont think the outcome of the story would be the same if it was just person vs. person or group vs. group.
I dont think the kids would have treated Margot like that if there havent been many against one
i think they prolly would have been a little nicer to her if there were less people one the antagonist side.
What I Fixed
The group feeling in this plot is very discriminating. Margot was just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasn’t like the rest of the group.
The feelings in the story are jealousy. Margot saw the sun because she was alive to see the sun. So everyone was jealous that Margot saw it. They treated Margot very mean! They locked her in a closet. If they had all seen the sun things would have been way different. Meaning they would have all been nice to each other and would not have locked Margot in the closet. They probably would have all gotten along! This shows me people can be very ignorant exspecially if they have someone to back them up because it makes you feel like you’re the outcast when you’re really not! People get jealous so they feel as though they need to treat people very poorly when they shouldn’t. People can be so mean they can make people really depressed and thats not right. If a group does it they feel like they are not welcomed and no one should ever feel like that.
The group feeling is the most important in the story because, I don’t think the outcome of the story would be the same if it was just person vs. person or group vs. group.
The kids wouldn’t have treated Margot like that if there haven’t been many against one.
They probably would have been a little nicer to her if there were less people one the antagonist side.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective:
“It they were all similar they would have never picked on one another. Individually people are nice , but in a group people gang up on 1 different person from the rest.”
“I rember when i was 13 and i was on parker street in woodlyne new jersey with my friends around 7:00 pm it was dark cold and wet outside it was 9 of us outside incliuding our friends babie blue nose pitbull we were thinking of a game to play with friends untill we looked up in the tree and we seen a possum fighting a raccon in the tallest tree on the block it killed the possum then climb down the tree our friends puppy ran off crying and wer all ran for our lives because the coon had something foamming out of his teeth.”
“For example kid/teens used to go hang out with there friends after school in PERSON for five to three hours, sometimes more.”
“i think the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating, because margot waz just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasnt like the rest of the group.”
“i think that no matter what everyone has a guilty concious (i dont know how to spell it :)) i personally think that if there wasnt a main bad person in the story that not everyone woould be so against her because this show that most people in the world are follwers because to be honest if there wasnt a main person many people wouldnt do what they do know and a perfect example for that would be gang members if there wasnt a leader there wouldnt be followers.”
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective:
“If they were all similar they would have never picked on one another. Individually people are nice, but in a group people gang up on 1 different person from the rest.”
“I remember when I was 13 and I was on parker street in Woodlyne New Jersey with my friends around 7:00 pm it was dark cold and wet outside. It was 9 of us outside including our friends baby blue nose pitbull. We were thinking of a game to play untill we looked up in the tree and we seen a possum fighting a raccon in the tallest tree on the block. It killed the possum then climbed down the tree, our friends puppy ran off crying and we all ran for our lives because the racoon had something foamming out of his mouth.”
“Teens used to go hang out with their friends after school in person for three to five hours, sometimes more.”
“The group feeling in this plot is very discriminating because Margot was just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasn’t like the rest of the group.”
“No matter what everyone has a guilty conscious, I personally think that if there wasn’t a main bad person in the story that not everyone would be so against her. This show that most people in the world are followers because if there wasn’t a main person many people wouldn’t do what they do now, a perfect example for that would be gang members if there wasn’t a leader there wouldn’t be followers.”
MARISSA EVONNE WOODS
BEFORE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i think the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating, because margot waz just being herself and they basically "shund" her because she wasnt like the rest of the group. Cartwright
I think the group feeling is the most important in the story because, i dont think the outcome of the story would be the same if it was just person vs. person or group vs. group Jennings
No I dont think they D
I don't know really because I wasn't in their place delrossi
i believe dat she lied to them when in fact she didnt. East
No i dnt think that they would have treated her differnetly D.O
I do not believe that the childern would of did the same mainly cause if one would of stood up and said something margot won't be alone WOODS
AFTER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The group’s feelings in the plot are very discriminating, because Margot was just being herself. They basically “shunned” her because she wasn’t like the rest of the group.
The groups feeling is important because of the outcome of the story would be the same if it was person vs. person or person vs. group.
The children would of did the same because if one child would of stood up for Margot and said something that they would of left her alone.
What I found
1.I has playing baseball my whole life.
2.I always eat a buger king the same thing as i was in t ball.
3. some game later the other coach the variety coach ask me if u want 2 play for me i said yea.
4. now i play variety ball.
Fixed:
1. I have been playing baseball my whole life.
2.I always eat at burger king the same as when I was in t ball.
3. Some game later the other coach the variety coach asked me if I wanted 2 play for him and I said yea.
4.Now i play varsity baseball for the school.
1.Before
- most important time in ma life was when i graduated from 8 th grade because i messed up alot & i was lucky that i even graduated from there none of the schools took me.
After
The most important time in my life was when I graduated from the eighth grade, because I messed up a lot and was lucky that I even graduated from there and no other schools would take me.
2.Before
Then i had to attend Camden High School which wasnt the best skool but thats what i get for thinkin i can do what ever i want with out even doing was importnant first.
After
Then I had to attend Camden high school which wasn’t the best school but thts what I gt for tinking I can do wht ever I want with out even doing what was important first.
3.Before
Now im in CCTS i wasnt to happy in the summer when my dad kept tellin me i was coming to this school because i felt some how in some way i wasnt goin to fit but i guess its okay now have pretty good friends that are here when i need them & MOST of the teachers are pretty cool
After
Now im in CCTS an I wasn’t happy because my dad was telling me over he summer about it and I felt some how that I wasn’t going to fit in but I guess now that I have good friends that are here when I need them and most of the teachers are pretty cool.
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